Why Cosmic Cat?
(Story Fragment 6/10)

This little cat is Pixie, Brian May's cat from Queen's All Dead, All Dead music video. This cat is TheCosmicCat, or led to its creation. And this piece was my favorite piece in the Covid, 2020.

In January 2020, just before the COVID-19 lockdown, I gave my 10th-grade piano examination concert. It was not that bad, I got 70. However, I have lost everything after that concert. My passion for music, my will to continue piano, and my unbreakable motivation and ideals. I could not even practice piano because of this overwhelming feeling of shame. How did this happen?

I knew I should not only blame myself. After months of mobbing, unfair exam conditions, unreal expectations, and most unforgivable, years of wrong education... I could not and would not succeed.

My hatred toward clowns of the Eskişehir circus was reasonable, and perhaps necessary. But I hated myself more, despite everything. I hated myself because I was not suitable for the piano. Somehow I did not know I had severe ADHD, I just knew for some fucking reason, I could not just be good, even mediocre. My perfectionism and belief in “you can do everything if you try” were failing, and I did not want to accept it. After hours of studying, pushing myself toward loneliness, giving everything I have, it was just… unjust. I should have cared more for myself, loved more, respected more…

I called this era of my life “görünmez duvar”, which means invisible wall. I tried my hardest, yet I still failed. I could not reach that place even if I tried, and that was the harsh truth; my dreams were all dead.

And this cat was somehow close to me. This piece was very close to me. It was reflecting a part of me.

With all the blues inside me, I composed my first pieces based on nature and the cosmos. Perhaps in order to cope with my trauma, I started to focus on the bigger picture. That is also the time I was at my most nihilistic character. I wanted to give a break from society, and lucky for me, I could not have any time better than this.

I was the cosmic cat, I stayed awake till the morning, and looked at the stars in the yard of our new house. I watched countless sunrises, I liked the cricket sounds, I was in somewhere weird.

In February, schools closed down, and they were not going to open for another year and a half. During this time, I was ready to commit boldest move, and actually put lots of effort behind it. This is the start of my composition career.

Clearly I was not meant to be a pianist, and I think this is for the best. Still, I feel like I lost a big part of myself.