In January 2020, just before the COVID-19 lockdown, I gave my 10th-grade piano examination concert. It was not that bad, I got 70. However, I have lost everything after that concert. My passion for music, my will to continue piano, and my unbreakable motivation and ideals. I could not even practice piano because of this overwhelming feeling of shame. How did this happen? I knew I should not only blame myself. After months of mobbing, unfair exam conditions, unreal expectations, and most unforgivable, years of wrong education... I could not and would not succeed. My hatred toward clowns of the Eskişehir circus was reasonable, and perhaps necessary. But I hated myself more, despite everything. I hated myself because I was not suitable for the piano. Somehow I did not know I had severe ADHD, I just knew for some fucking reason, I could not just be good, even mediocre. My perfectionism and belief in “you can do everything if you try” were failing, and I did not want to accept it. After hours of studying, pushing myself toward loneliness, giving everything I have, it was just… unjust. I should have cared more for myself, loved more, respected more… I called this era of my life “görünmez duvar”, which means invisible wall. I tried my hardest, yet I still failed. I could not reach that place even if I tried, and that was the harsh truth; my dreams were all dead. And this cat was somehow close to me. This piece was very close to me. It was reflecting me. With all the blues inside me, I composed my first pieces based on nature and the cosmos. Perhaps in order to cope with my trauma, I started to focus on the bigger picture. That is also the time I was at my most nihilistic character. I wanted to give a break from society, and lucky for me, I could not have any time better than this. I was the cosmic cat, I stayed awake till the morning, and looked at the stars in the yard of our new house. I watched countless sunrises, I liked the cricket sounds, I was somewhere weird. In February, schools closed down, and they were not going to open for another year and a half. During this time, I was ready to retook my long forgotten dreams, and actually put lots of effort behind it. I downloaded my first DAW, LMMS, and composed my first pieces.